The Funny Section

“I don’t have to [use steroids]. I mean, I’m a good enough ballplayer as it is. I don’t need to be any better. I can’t get any better at this age.”

“A lot of people are a lot different at work than they are at home.”

“I never asked. When he said it was flaxseed oil, I just said, ‘Whatever.’ It was in the ballpark … in front of everybody. I mean, all the reporters, my teammates, I mean they all saw it. I didn’t hide it.”

“And all it takes is to shun one reporter because maybe you have to go home or have some other responsibility or whatever. That can spark a fire throughout the rest of the season.”

“All you guys lied! All of y’all and the story have lied. Should you have asterisks behind your name? All of you lied. All of you have said something wrong. All of you have dirt. When your closet’s clean, then come clean somebody else’s … What did I do? What did I do? What are you going to apologize for when you’re wrong? This is old stuff. I mean, it’s like watching Sanford and Son. It’s just rerun after rerun after rerun. It’s almost comical, basically. We’ve got alcohol that’s the No. 1 killer in America, and we legalize that. You’ve got tobacco, No. 2 or 3 killer in America. We legalize that. There’s other issues. It’s become Hard Copy all day long. Are you guys jealous? Are you upset? Disappointed? What? … I don’t know if steroids are going to help you in baseball. I just don’t believe it.”

“Back when I first started Nolan Ryan was still a dominating pitcher - even though he was at the end of his career. The best thing I ever did was strike out three times against him in Spring Training, because I wanted to be in there so badly.”

“Baseball is just my job.”

“I didn’t feel any pressure because I didn’t really understand what my father did.”

“I don’t ever remember having any bad times here in Pittsburgh.”

“I don’t know if the record is going to happen. I don’t really think about the record. There are other things I worry about.”

“The fact that someone should write in the newspaper is, I’ve never failed a drug test.”

“You’re talking about something that wasn’t even illegal at the time. All this stuff about supplements, protein shakes, whatever. Man, it’s not like this is the Olympics.”

“I don’t know what you guys say, but at home, life is way different from baseball.”

“I have a chef who makes sure that I’m getting the right amounts of carbs, proteins and fats throughout the day to keep me at my max performance level.”

“I liked baseball, but my idols were Willie Mays and a lot of the other ballplayers.”

“I love San Francisco and I love you fans. My family knows, God knows, I’m proud to wear this uniform.”

“I need to win, man. I’ve had numbers, but I’ve never won a World Series.”

“I never stop looking for things to try and make myself better.”

“There is nothing better than walking out and hitting a home run.”

• A horse expends more energy lying down than it does standing up
• Female spiders spin better webs than males do
• Eagles can’t hunt when it’s raining
• The right whale’s eyeball is about as big as an orange
• Both bees and foxes pollinate plants
• Earthworms have 5 hearts
• There are 1,000 barbs in a single porcupine quill