The Most Unsuccessful Hijack Attempt Ever
From the Book of Heroic Failures,
“We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage.
“‘Take me to Detroit,’ he said.
“We’re already going to Detroit,’ she replied
“Oh . . . good,’ he said, and sat down again.”
Employment Wanted
(actual classified ad)
Employment Wanted
Former Marijuana Smugger
Having successfully completed a ten year sentence, incident-free, for importing 75 tons of marijuana into the United States, I am now seeking a legal and legitimate means to support myself and my family.
Business Experience – Owned and operated a successful fishing business - multi-vessel, one airplane, one island, and processing facility. Simultaneously owned and operated a fleet of tractor-trailer trucks conducting business in the western United States. During this time I also co-owned and participated in the executive level management of 120 people worldwide in a successful pot smuggling venture with revenues in excess of US$100 million annually. I took responsibility for my own actions, and received a ten year sentence in the United States while others walked free for their cooperation.
Attributes – I am an expert in all levels of security. I have extensive computer skills, am personable, outgoing, well-educated, reliable, clean and sober. I have spoken in schools to thousands of kids and parent groups over the past ten years on the “consquences of choice”, and received public recognition from the RCMP for community service. I am well-traveled and speak Engish, French, and Spanish. References available from friends, family, the U.S. District Attorney, etc.
Please direct replies to:
Box 375 National Post Classified
1450 Don Mills, ON, M3B 3R5
The Rolling Pin
From a local newspaper:
Six men, their faces covered with red bandanas, got out of the Cherokee carrying a knife, baseball bat, billy club, and rolling pin, said Davis, 20.
“I knew when I saw the rolling pin that something bad was about to go down,” Davis said.
Stolen Laundry
According to reports, an unidentified man in Beersheba, Israel, was charged with burglary after the clothing that was discovered in the washing machine he was attempting to sell did not belong to him. Detectives first became suspicious when they spotted the man attempting to peddle the washing machine on a street in the southern city.
The dectives questioned the man, discovering he was not a resident and that the clothes inside did not belong to the man. After arresting him, police noted that they connected the laundry to a man who complained that during a break-in, his washing machine had been stolen.
The Polite Crooks
According to the police in Mesa, Arizona, in the early morning of May 21st a Circle K gas station there was robbed. According to the report, the robbery only occurred after the alledged robbers asked if it was okay.
The Circle K clerk was standing in the parking lot at the 1100 block of East University Drive after 1:00 AM when two men approached him. One asked, “Is it alright if I rob you?” and then said he was carrying two “glocks” under his arms, police said.
The two men followed the clerk inside, and while one suspect took several cases of beer from a cooler the other suspected robber took cash and a carton of smokes, police records show. Police said the two men left in a lifted white SUV.
Dumb Burger King Crook
From A Treasury of Police Humor,
YPSILANTI, MI – “The Ann Arbor News reported that a man failed to rob a Burger King because the clerk told him he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. So the man ordered onion rings, but the clerk informed him that they weren’t available for breakfast. The frustrated robber left.”
Dumb Crook – The Loaded Finger
From the New York Times,
MERCED, CA – “A man tried to rob a bank pointing his finger at a teller, police said.
“Steven Richard King just held up hs finger and thumb in plain sight and demanded money. The Bank of America teller told Mr. King to wait, then just walked away. Mr. King then went across the street to another bank . . . jumped over the counter, and tried to get the key to the cash drawer. But an employee grabbed the key and told him to ‘get out of here.’
“Police officers found Mr. King sitting in the shrubs outside the bank and arrested him”
Places Not To Hide Your Marijuana
According to Lewis County sheriff’s detectives in Chehalis, Washington, a 35-year-old man admitted to stashing his marijuana under a bush in front of their office window at the county courthouse. The Onalaska, Washington, man, was arriving at the Lewis County Courthouse for a court matter, and later told detectives that he was unaware that they could see him.
Colon confessed to hiding the marijuana and was charged with possession of marijuana under 40 grams.
In an aside, Sheriff Steve Mansfield says that it’s nice of people to choose to break the law in front of his deputies.
The Wealthy Bum
According to the Boston Herald, “Thierry F.” claims in his autobiography that for the past 24 years he has been a professional welfare bum. Thierry says that he’s lived “very well” off the French government, and even after the benefits from his first unemployment ran out, he managed to find a second unemployment program to leech from. Thierry received enough to cover his living expenses, plus an additional $214 per month that he uses for what he called his “leisure activities.”
The Criminal’s Rights
According to the Charlotte Observer, Timothy Stone is a lucky man. According to the report, the North Carolina Court of Appeals overturned the cocaine-possession conviction against Stone, ruling that even though he had given police permission to search his person, that it was still unconstitutional . The judges agreed with Stone that when he consented, he never expected that the search would include the officers holding out the waistband of his sweatpants and shining a flashlight down his pants, which is where the small container of cocaine was found.
